
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/12911595.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Steven_Universe_(Cartoon), Hellsing
  Relationship:
      Lars_Barriga/Sadie_Miller, Lars_Barriga/Alucard_(Hellsing)
  Character:
      Lars_Barriga, Alucard_(Hellsing), Sadie_Miller, Jan_Valentine, Luke
      Valentine
  Additional Tags:
      Christmas, Mindfuck
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-12-04 Words: 5657
****** Lars's Cornhole Christmas Catastrophe ******
by Master_of_the_Boot1
Summary
     This year, Lars has been naughty. Actually he's been a real jerk. And
     because of that, a certain vampire gives him a gift that's way worse
     than coal.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
                     Lars’s Cornhole Christmas Catastrophe
                                        
                             By Master of the Boot
                                        
Author’s note: This story contains extremely graphic content, sexual violence,
    people being burned to death and immature jokes. Audience perversion is
                                  encouraged.
                                        
   I also own no third party properties and make no profit from this story.
===============================================================================
                                        
                                        
                                        
Lars Barriga was jerking off when he heard his phone ring. Normally he would
have ignored this because the porn video was getting to the good part, however
this was Sadie’s ringtone and there was a very good chance that Sadie was going
to be able to give him sex. So very reluctantly and with much anger, Lars took
his hands away from squeezing his dick and answered his phone with sticky
hands. “Yeah!” he said in a voice that was angrier than he meant it to be.
 
“Hey, Lars,” said Sadie Miller, Lars’s long suffering girlfriend. “I was
wondering if you were good for tonight?”
 
Lars panted and took a drink from the energy drink next to his laptop. “Uh,
yeah, sure I’m good,” he wiped the sweat from his brow and glanced at the
paused image on the computer screen. He licked his lips and was nearly tempted
to hang up on Sadie; but then he remembered that sex was better than five
finger shuffle.
 
“Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?” Sadie sounded disappointed and
miffed over the phone; more than she usually was.
 
“Uh, sure, I do,” Lars tried to bullshit his way through this conversation. “It
was all about the . . . thing tonight. Okay what the hell was going on
tonight?”
 
“I asked you if you’d come to Christmas dinner with me and my mom,” she said
with her usual sense of trademark defeat and exhaustion. She became more
hopeful for a moment, “Mom made your favourite, pizza rolls.”
 
Lars had a real dilemma. If Sadie’s mom was going to be home then there was a
reduced chance she’d be comfortable enough to give him sex, but then again the
prospect of pizza rolls was very tempting. “Uh, yeah sure I can try and be
there, just make sure your mom doesn’t embarrass me.” He scratched the back of
his neck.
 
“Yeah, fine,” said Sadie in a very resigned, defeated voice. She hung up and
Lars was left nude and reminded about his throbbing boner. Frowning, the boy’s
stretched ears flopped about as he sat back at the computer desk. On the
computer was a video of a young, slender man being mercilessly pounded by a
much larger, harrier man was paused in doggy style. The uncreative title of the
video said everything; it wasn’t like Lars watched these things for the story.
 
Lars grinned as he began to start up the video again, his hands going back to
squeezing his pickle. His pulse began to quicken and the climax of the video
was nearing. He’d seen this video before; he knew where and how the money shot
went. Still, there was a problem that was preventing Lars from enjoying his
porn video.
 
The young man with stretched ears and stylized Mohawk hair glanced over at the
picture of him and Sadie at last year’s Video Game Convention. It was one of
their few happy moments, unmarred by couples fighting and a severe inability to
communicate or express feelings in a healthy way. Lars knew that he’d fucked
up, just forgetting his promise to Sadie like that. He knew that her mom was a
big, loud, weird woman who embarrassed them both; but Sadie cared about her a
lot. Lars wasn’t nearly kind or thoughtful enough to straight up apologize to
Sadie and make it up to her; but he definitely could still show up and kind of
save Christmas.
 
The young man shut the laptop. He would spank it to porn later; his boner was
already dying from his conflicting and confusing teenager emotions. Throwing on
his pants, coat and Jacket, Lars opted to go commando this cold December day in
case Sadie gave him a blowjob or something.
 
Winter in Delmarva was crisp, clean and magical. Something in the air was sweet
and the winter air felt invigorating. Lars of course hated everything about
this day. The cold weather made his metal ear plugs freeze up and the shaved
sides of his head were vulnerable to the freezing winds. He fucking hated
winter and thought it was shit. Old man winter could suck on his uncut cock for
all he cared.
 
It was halfway to Sadie’s house that Lars realized something. “Oh shit!” he
cried in these empty streets on the night before the night before Christmas.
“My charger!” He cried as he searched the pockets of his jacket and pants. The
jacket, embroidered with the logo The Big Donut should have had his phone
charger. He reacted with horror as he realized that the power bar on his phone
was turning into a red sliver. He had to do something about this!
 
Lucky for Lars, the Big Donut was halfway between his house and Sadie’s house.
He could sprint over there, grab the phone charger from the office and be at
the Miller house in time for Pizza rolls and a blowjob and/or hand-job.
 
Deserted and cold were the best words for the old donut place. Part of a larger
chain of donut places, there was something about the workplace that rubbed Lars
the wrong way. He wasn’t sure what the hell it was, but it wasn’t going to
fucking stop him. Looking at it a certain way, Lars figured he’d just run in
and take what he needed; maybe even grab a few unsold donuts destined for the
garbage bins.
Frost coated the stairs leading up to the back door. Lars cried out as he
nearly fell.
 
Turning his employee key, he quickly disarmed the building alarm. He laughed as
he locked the door behind him in the pitch black donut shop. He figured he had
the cat in the bag when he slipped from the snow collected in the treads of his
shoes. Screaming, Lars went down like a felled tree and banged his head against
the floor.
 
He saw and felt no more . . .
 
. . .
 
. . .
 
. . .
 
Until—
 
Head head hurt like a mother fucker! “Oh Jesus Christ!” Lars shouted as he put
a hand to the bump on his forehead. He groaned and swore. There was no way he
could go to Sadie’s now. He’d be too embarrassed to be seen in public with such
a big, angry, red lump on his head.
 
Stumbling like a zombie, Lars shakily got to his feet. Groaning and cursing, he
ambled over to the staff lounge. There it was, his phone charger Soon, no
longer would he live in fear of the dreaded low red bar. There was something
rotten in the state of Denmark. Or in the State of Delmarva. Or Delaware. Or
whatever.
 
Somebody was in the donut shop with Lars. He could hear them talking through
the rusted metal door that led to the front area. Lars wasn’t sure who it could
be, maybe burglars or homeless people; but he knew that the only way out was
past that door.
 
Treading quietly, Lars didn’t want to alert the potential thieves. He could
overhear what sounded like two of them arguing. “Come on Luke, you gotta let me
fuck the bitch!” the first voice was nasal and reedy, like a crackhead.
 
“Jan, you’re such a disgusting sack of shit,” said a more refined, erudite
voice, “For starters I don’t want to see my brother on the job.
 
Tiptoeing, Lars made his way towards the exit. His heart pounded and his palms
grew sweaty. He was only a few steps away from leaving.
 
“Come on Luke!” begged this character, Jan, “The bitch is dead, she wont’ raise
any noise! Nobody will know!”
 
The other one, Luke groaned, “I swear, this is why I bought you that flesh
light. If you can just wait, we can head to Empire city and just grab a random
tourist if it’s so bad for you.”
 
Lars was halfway through the mudroom when he felt a tickle in his sinuses and a
sneeze that he couldn’t stop.
 
Achoo!
 
And just like that, Lars’s perfect escape was fucked.
 
It was like a light switch, the two burglar/break in guys were on to him. The
door to the front area opened up and Lars got a good look at two of the
weirdest guys he’d ever seen. One man, dark skinned with multiple piercings
looked at him with an evil expression. The other, pale and dressed all in white
just frowned at him, while also carrying the dead body of the district manager
for The Big Donut.
 
Like a rabbit before a snake, Lars froze; his expression filled with horror as
he started into the dead, cold eyes of Ms. Palahniuk. True she was always a
cunt and a corporate tool, but seeing her limp and with multiple holes in her
neck just did something to him.
 
The pale one, Luke narrowed his eyes at Lars. “So how much did you hear?” he
spoke, drawing attention to the stream of blood running down his chin; as if he
wasn’t holding a dead, pale body.
 
The darker one, Jan burst out into laughter, “Well fuck my ass and call me
Britney! Spider just caught himself a fly, Zed!”
 
Trying to speak for himself, Lars began to slowly back up. “I-uh-I swear I
didn’t see anything. You guys were never here.”
 
He bumped into something and a strong arm held him around the waist. Jan yelled
into his ear, as if he’d run across the room so fast that Lars’s eyes hadn’t
been able to see it. “You got a nice little ass, nigga!” He laughed most
unpleasantly, “Be a shame if somebody were to fuck you!” Jan laughed even
louder, his breath reeking of rotting meta and fangs peeking from his upper
jaw.
 
Luke dropped the dead body of the district manager and zoomed in, too fast for
the human eye. With one gloved hand he took Lars’s chin, who whimpered with
fear as he stared into Luke’s red, inhuman eyes. “Well obviously we have a
witness and we can’t let him but; but I think you’re onto something for once,
Jan.”
 
The dark skinned man whooped with glee, “Alright! We’ll double team this little
bitch and then drink all his fucking blood!”
 
Luke blanched even more than he already did, his red eyes flashing with
irritation. “Jan, that’s absolutely disgusting. There’s now way I’m sharing
with you or risking touching your sloppy seconds. Hold him down so that I can
go first.”
 
Lars began to cry as the gravity and horror of his situation began to sink in.
“Please,” he whimpered, “I have a family, I have girlfriend. You don’t have to
do this.”
 
Disdainfully, Luke slapped Lars across the face, earning howls of laughter from
Jan and comments about slapping bitches. “We have to kill you to prevent the
truth of vampires from coming out,” Luke pontificated, “However, taking out our
frustrations on your still warm body is purely optional and you have nothing to
offer us to change our minds.”
 
One of Jan’s rough, calloused hands caressed Lars’s neck; pinching him and
feeling him up like a farmer picking out a suckling pig for supper. When Jan
turned and licked over Lars’s major arteries, the boy shuddered as he felt like
his soul wanted to leave his body from revulsion.
 
Once more the dark skinned vampire laughed, “Boy tastes like donuts! For
fucking real, Luke! Whoa! It’ll be like fucking and eating a mega sugar maple
sprinkle donut!”
 
His brother rolled his eyes, “Shut up, Jan, just hold him down so that I can
fuck him. After that you can do whatever you want to him.”
 
There was no warning as Jan pushed Lars forward onto his face. As he tried to
run away, he felt a boot come down onto the small of his back. Limbs thrashing,
Lars was powerless against the inhuman power of the two vampires. Like a fly in
a web, there was no escape for Lars; though this fate was infinitely more
cruel.
 
He shrieked when he felt a pair of rough hands grab his loose jeans and start
to pull them down. Full on crying, the humiliation was more than he could bear.
He bleat like a lamb at the slaughter, “No! No! Please!” One last attempt at
seeking humanity in those who had none.
 
He felt a cold breeze over his bottom and he couldn’t stop himself from
thinking about what was going to happen next. For the first time since he was a
little boy, Lars prayed to God and asked to be saved, the hot tears dripping
down his face.
 
Somebody was listening.
 
“Do you boys like Rick and Morty?” asked a deep, musical voice that seemed to
come from everywhere at once. Jan and Luke spun around, hissing and baring
their fangs. In their ensuing panic, they let go of Lars, who began to crawl as
best he could along the cold tile floor; one of of his hands frantically
struggling to pull up his pants and cover himself best he could.
 
Then heshowed up.
 
The cackling, maniacal, joker laughter preceded him as he entered the mortal
plane. To Lars it looked like Slender Man’s mental cousin jumped out of the
shadows to go completely ape shit on these vampire thugs.
 
His long, red coat billowed out behind him like bat wings, his long black hair
moved like a living thing and his inhumanly long limbs were extended like a
grabbing predator.
 
The newcomer didn’t waste time as he kicked Luke in the balls as hard as he
could with his fine leather boots. He laughed like maniac possessed, spraying
snot and saliva everywhere. His big, wide, red hat fell off as he punched Jan
in the face; a dozen bloody teeth flying out of his mouth in a horizontal line.
 
The psycho stranger grinned from ear to ear, flashing not fangs but rows and
rows of shark like teeth. Overfilled with glee, he grabbed Jan by the shirt
collar and started pummelling him like he was starting a chainsaw without gas.
 
Luke charged at the inhumanly tall stranger with that vampire speed, but the
newcomer was faster. His body dissolved into shadows and reformed behind Luke.
Whooping and hollering, the man put Luke into a choke hold and began raining
blows into the pale vampire’s torso.
 
Brass coloured claws sprouted from the tips of his white, mickey mouse gloves
and he slashed across Jan’s face when he tried to defend his brother. Not
pausing for once second, took a gigantic, hungry bite out of Luke’s head. Luke
screamed in agony as the man in red ate part of his skull like a fucking apple.
 
It was like watching a train wreck, seeing bit of bone, blood and skull fly
everywhere. Lars shivered and watched, even when he should have run like hell.
Maybe it was because he knew that he’d never really outrun these two legged
crimes against God.
 
Luke shrieked in violation as the tall, non-human shoved a finger into his
brain and started feeling around. “How’s this, fuck-o!” he laughed as the pale
vampire screamed for mercy.
 
Throwing Luke over him in a judo through, the man used his insanely long legs
to lunge at Jan. Grabbing Jan’s crotch in a testicle popping grip, he just
looked so damn pleased with himself. “There’s never been a vampire sexier than
me!” he bellowed ecstatically. Thrusting his knee up, he hit Jan on the chin
and sent him flying backwards into a wall.
 
The man in red pirouetted like a ballerina. “Thank you! Thank you!” he bowed
and kissed to an invisible crowd that only he could see. Then with the flourish
of a magician on stage, the man in red produced an unknown device from his
jacket. Lars couldn’t tell what it was, except that it had a circuit board,
part of a cell phone interface, it leaked oil and it was held together with
electric tape and staples.
 
Making like a linebacker, the man charged forward and through a wall. Drywall
dust flooded the area and its acrid, sooty taste made Lars choke and hack. He
was so consumed by coughing a lung up that he didn’t see the man in red
activate the detonator on his device and throw it into the donut fryer.
 
It was like the fourth of July as the incendiary bomb detonated inside a vat of
fryer oil. The entire inside of the donut shop was sprayed with flaming canola
oil. The blast of heat struck Lars like a fist and he stopped coughing long
enough to realize that his sneakers were on fire.
 
He was luckier than Luke and Jan. The two vampire brothers screamed and writhed
as the stood directly in the blast of weaponized kitchen oil. Each one twisted
and thrashed, burning like dry christmas trees in July.
 
Lars kicked off his shoes and started to look for a path to the exit that
didn’t involve walking through pools of flaming oil. Then to his utter
surprise, the tall vampire in red went tearing out of the flames like a bat out
of hell; his jacket and hair on fire and his face and shirt smeared with
drywall dust. “You think this hurts? THIS hurts, sweetheart!” he bellowed
hysterically as he started punching Luke and Jan.
 
The two vampire brothers screamed even louder as they were burned to death and
beaten to a pulp at the same time. The red coated man’s gloves were blackened
by fire and smeared with blood as his knuckles got the perfect workout.
 
“That is hurt, darling!” he cackled like an abusive boyfriend, punching Luke’s
jaw right off. “That’s pain, schnookums!” he giggled as he punched a hole right
through Jan’s chest and out his back.
 
“How’s this, son of mine?” he asked as he kicked Jan’s legs from under him. For
a very brief moment, Jan thought that he’d found his long lost father right
before the more powerful vampire stomped on his head like a teenager
vandalizing a jack-o-lantern.
 
Lars didn’t stay to find out how it ended. It ended with him burning to death
inside the big donut. He turned and ran, his feet blistering from the hot tile
floor. He was almost at the exit when the man in red teleported right in front
of him, stopping Lars from getting to safety.
 
He tried to say something to Lars, but all he did was mumble as he chewed on
Luke’s severed head like a dog with a treat; blood and drool ran down his
sooty, drywall dust coated chest. Lars screamed as the edges of the man’s
jacket rose up like bat wings and wrapped around him.
 
===============================================================================
 
The young boy of Philippine descent screamed as he woke to blackness one more
time. “Mom! Dad!” he screamed, “Someone! Help!” he banged on whatever pitch
black enclosure held him. Trembling hands went into his pocket, searching for
his lighter.
 
A weak flickering flame cast light on Lars’s situation and it was getting
darker by the minute. From what he could tell, having seen it in various movies
and TV shows, he was in a coffin. Lars had been buried alive.
 
Panicking, Lars started to pound on the lid of the coffin. “Let me out!
Someone, please let me out! I'm not dead!” he began to sob and cry
uncontrollably.
 
Then like before, his prayers were answered, just not by God.
 
The coffin lid flew open and the bright, harsh light blinded Lars for a moment.
In the time that it took his eyes to adjust he fluorescent light, he realized
he’d been looking at the crazy vampire who accidentally saved his life and was
now probably going to end it.
 
“Hey there,” he said in a not totally friendly voice, “We never got properly
introduced last time. Alucard is the name and sexual pleasure is my game.” He
flashed Lars what he thought was a winning smile but looked more like something
out of a Sam Rami film.
 
Lars looked back up from the coffin, totally frozen; his trembling hand still
holding his lighter.
 
Alucard cocked his head, “Well, aren’t you going to say anything back to me?”
 
“Get your junk out of my face!” Lars shouted at Alucard. It wasn’t just that
he’d kidnapped Lars and held him against his will inside a fucking coffin, but
he was half naked while doing it. In the harsh light, Lars could make out that
Alucard was nude from the belt up. His hairy body was grotesquely muscular,
with oversized pecs and shredded abs that wouldn’t have looked out of place in
Dragonball Z.
 
Alucard shifted, his tight leather pants doing nothing to hide his boner and
his erect pink nipples peeking through his carpet of chest hair. “So, what’s
your problem?” he adjusted his stance so that standing over the coffin, Lars
got a better look at his hard cock and his tight, muscular ass. These leather
pants weren’t exactly comfortable but they did do a good job showing off the
parts of the sexiest vampire alive.
 
Lars was appropriately disgusted by the view presented before him. Dropping his
lighter he shouted up at the literal sexual predator, “I’m getting the fuck out
of here!”
 
Like Harvey Weinstein on a catastrophic acid trip, Alucard had other plans. “Oh
no, you don’t, mother fucker!”
 
Suddenly his white gloved hands were all over Lars like big, horny spiders. The
boy thrashed, struggled and swore. After being manhandled, groped and forced
out of his clothes like a disobedient puppy, Lars got a good look at what he
was wearing and shrieked with horror.
 
Sitting in the open coffin, Lars was now wearing nothing but a pair of tight,
tight pink panties with a sprig of mistletoe tied over his dick. Other than two
nipple pasties shaped like hearts, Lars wasn’t wearing any other stitch of
clothing anywhere on his body.
 
Alucard flashed that shark toothed grin once more, deliberately putting his
hands on his hips and flexing his muscles. “Now that’s impressive!” he
commended the terrified lad, “Look at you, nice firm ass, clean, hairless limbs
and those cute floppy ears that are all the latest craze with young people
these days.” He sucked in his breath like he’d been talking about a delicious
slab of meat instead of a person, “Yes, you’re definitely a looker, son. While
you’re here, you can just call me Uncle Touchy.”
 
Alucard guffawed at his own terrible joke, failing to notice the fear and
confusion on Lars’s face. “Or if you like, you can call me daddy,” he winked at
the boy, causing him to turn green with disgust. “Think about that the next
time you see your father in the shower. Now come give Daddy Alucard a kiss,
Larsy boy!”
 
Lars did the only sane thing and ran. He jumped out of the coffin and began to
run through a spacious, well lit dungeon made of damp stone. There was a large
wooden door with no obvious locking mechanism or door handles. Alucard scowled
at this.
 
As Lars was about to reach the door to the dungeon, a freakish thing
materialized out of the ether.
 
“I’m Puppet-Rebeca Sugar,” the thing said. Lars stopped and fell on his ass,
mortified by the life sized creepy puppet that looked like it came out of Jim
Henson’s worst nightmares.
 
Puppet-Rebeca looked at Lars with plastic eyes while lewdly feeling up her felt
vagina. In her free foam hand, she clenched a large, rusty butcher knife.
 
Grabbing him with more strength than something made of foam rubber should be,
Puppet-Rebeca stopped feeling up her crotch to grab Lars by the throat. “I’m
going to butter your bread, honey. I’m going to sit on your face with my
bigMuppetass.”
 
“That’s enough, Becky!” Alucard commanded. “You’ll get your taste only after
I’m done with that sweet thing.”
 
Bowing to her dark master, the creature who’d summoned her from the fiery pits
of hell, Puppet-Rebeca let Lars go and stepped back.
 
“I don’t want you!” Lars protested, trying to cover himself with his hands; the
panties were starting to ride up a lot. “I don’t want either of you, I want to
go home!”
 
Alucard laughed at the boy’s emotional anguish, “Why? So you can fuck that fat
girl, Sadie? You’re better off without that pasty cumbucket. I swear, she looks
like a blob fish with hair.”
 
“Sadie’s my girlfriend!” Lars shouted at Alucard, “Nobody gets to talk about
her that way, I don’t care who you are or what you can do!”
 
The master vampire laughed, “Well Laramie, assuming I care what you think; stop
and take a moment, take a deep breath. Your parents don’t give a damn about
you, as of now they think you’re dead and they’ll have an easier go mourning a
dead son than caring for a sack of shit like you. Sadie thinks your dead and
I’d give her a day before she finds a new fuck toy. Everyone else in Beach City
hates you and thinks you’re full of shit. The Cool Kids laughed at you and
think you’re a douchebag; no matter how you spin it, I’m all you’ve got. I’m
the only one who can tolerate a miserable cumrag like you and you should get on
your damn knees and thank me for it.” He took his belt off and then gave a most
lecherous grin, “How come here and show Daddy Alucard that big mouth and fast
hands of yours.”
 
Lars pointed a skinny finger at the mad vampire, “You don’t get to touch me!
I’m a person, not your boy and you’re not my daddy!”
 
The lad turned around and started banging on the wooden door as Puppet-Rebeca
looked on with her ping pong ball eyes. He had to get out he had to get out he
had to get . . .
 
===============================================================================
 
Lars woke up in his own bed, naked and screamed. Trembling, he looked over his
body and felt everything. He had no cuts, no bruises and nothing broken.
Feeling over his ass and crotch; he felt whole and untouched.
 
The phone began to ring and he yelped. It was Sadie calling him. Looking over
his phone, he glanced around and saw that his computer had the same porno video
on as this morning; the same video of a twink being dominated by a hairy muscle
man. It was all the same. Had he really been dreaming?
 
“Sadie!” he nearly shouted into the phone, answering the call.
 
His girlfriend winced on the other line, “Lars, what’s going on?”
 
“Sadie I was—actually it’s nothing,” he managed to slow down, “Uh, how are you?
Are we good for dinner with your mom?”
 
“You remembered? I mean, of course you remembered,” she couldn’t hide her
shock, “Yeah, my mom still wants you over for dinner. She even made pizza
rolls.”
 
The boy could hardly contain his glee, “Yeah I love her fucking pizza rolls.
I’ll be there!”
 
Sadie was taken aback. Normally she and Lars brought out the worst in each
other, but this day, this day before day before Christmas day he was really
giving her what she wanted. “Thanks for remembering, Lars. See you there,
Player 2.”
 
“See you there, Player 1,” Lars said goodbye, showing his love in his own way.
She hung up and Lars knew that there was no time. His phone was dying, running
low on power but he had no interest in getting his charger from the Big Donut.
 
The first thing that Lars did was throw on some underwear before tossing on his
customary tight jeans. Next came on his favourite scorpion T-shirt and
sneakers. He was almost good to go; he just had to get his jacket.
 
Lars opened the closet and there he saw a tall man in red overcoat and big hat.
Alucard grinned at Lars and threw a punch through the coat hangers.
 
The blow completely cleaned Lars’s clock, sending the boy flying backwards and
slamming into the desk. Groggily, he spat out one of his front teeth. The head
trauma meant that he really didn’t feel all the pain right away, but he felt
the fear when Alucard’s twisted mug loomed large over him.
 
“Happy Christmas, cunt!” he jeered at Lars, picking up the boy by the front of
his shirt and lifting him off the ground. “Did you have a good sleep? Any good
dreams?”
 
Lars could only manage a numb shock, that this living nightmare—Cthulhu’s
diarrhea in a human shaped bag—was very much real and not a figment of some
fever dream.
 
“Well that’s nice,” Alucard sneered, “I’m happy to hear all of that from you.”
Violently, he threw the boy onto the bed and pointed a long, clawed finger in
his face. “Because I’ve got a message for you. This year you get a Mulligan
from me, but next Christmas and every other Christmas until you die I will find
you wherever you are and fuck your ass and face. If you’re eighty and living in
a cave on Mars, I’ll find you and make your asshole look like a burrito filled
with sour cream.”
 
 
The insane vampire lord trembled with rage and sexual energy as his hair and
jacket floated around. “Don’t think of hiding from me, I have control over
space and time. I have powers you can’t possibly imagine.” he turned and
grabbed his junk, “So Happy Christmas, Laramie Bariga; next year I expect you
to be waiting naked for me, bend over a table!”
 
He began to laugh like a hyena on crystal meth as his body dissolved into bats
which then dissolved into shadow and fire. Just like that he was gone and Lars
knew that he’d gotten a gift that was way worse than coal.
===============================================================================
 
                                   Epilogue
                                        
Lars of the Stars slept in his Captain’s chair. Becoming an undead pink zombie
was in hindsight one of the least shitty things to happen to him. If nothing
else it gave him command of a group of ragtag rebels on the run from a
totalitarian government and allowed him the chance to tool around the galaxy in
a top of the line gem cruiser.
 
His calm time was interrupted by Steven Universe and his buddy Connie
Maheswaran coming out of the portal in his hair. It was a pain in the ass but
he honestly missed those two kids. He appreciated them way more than he had
before his death.
 
“Hey, Steven! Connie!” Lars shouted, “Rhodonite figured out how to synthesize
tequila, we can all drink and your parents won’t be able to stop you.”
 
Connie looked at him warily but Steven was just full of smiles. “Thanks Lars
but Connie and me will do the responsible thing. We came here to drop off a
care package from your parents and weapons from the Crystal Gems.”
 
Lars did a fist bump, “Sweet, little guys!”
 
Then a monitor started beeping, and the ship’s grandma caterpillar fusion,
Fluorite announced the danger . . . very very slowly. “There’s a . . . ship
approaching . . . our vector.”
 
On Screen appeared a gem who looked like she was Cosplaying for Code Geass.
“Captain Lars! This time you will truly meet your end!”
 
Lars laughed haughtily at this enemy who’d dogged him across multiple galaxies.
“Bring it on, Emerald. You can’t out-think me, you can’t out-fight me or out-
drink me! You’d need the devil himself to beat me!” Admittedly all the anime
he’d watched over the years was getting to his head.
 
And speak of the devil, a deep, music voice rang out behind Emerald. “Get out
of my way!” snapped Alucard as he elbowed the fierce looking gem away. “Lars!
Thought that travelling to another galaxy would save you from my wrath and my
cock?” demanded the loopy vampire.
 
Steven looked at the insane vampire in his Carmen San Diego outfit, confused.
“Lars, who is that guy?”
 
Alucard snapped, answering Steven’s question, “Who am I? Who am I! I’m the
greatest vampire who ever lived! I’m the head pimp at Yellow Diamond’s personal
Whorehouse; and it’s now my job to deliver Lars of the Queers to her
Yellowness!”
 
He jabbed a finger while Lars stood speechless, honestly scared shitless even
after all he’d grown and learned. “When I start, I’m going to fuck you until
you love me! I’ll video tape the whole thing and send your parents a copy,
along with a lock of your hair and a set of cum stained panties! Finally you’ll
be albel to feel every night Yellow Diamond’s python sized tongue up your ass!”
 
“He’s the guy who molested me last Christmas,” Lars said, nearly on the verge
of tears.
 
The tiny defective seer Padparadscha stepped in front of Lars, wrapping her
tiny arms around him. “I’ve had a vision where Lars is threatened by a rapist.
I will defend him with my life!”
 
Steven and Connie hugged Lars as well, “You fuck off, you two-faced mutant!”
Connie yelled, “Go back to sparkling in the sun or whatever the fuck it is you
do!”
 
Alucard’s eyes widened as he realized they went there, “You will all pay with
your asses!” before Emerald punched him in the face and knocked him off camera.
 
“Stop stealing my spotlight, you fucking deviant!” Emerald snarled. She glared
at Lars and his little friends. “Give up now, Lars of the Stars; or I’ll screw
you, kill you and bring you back. I’ll do it over and over until you love me!”
 
Was Lars afraid? Oh fuck yes, he was. But he wasn’t about to take any of of it
lying down. “Let’s dance,” he said to both Alucard and Emerald.
End Notes
     My version of Alucard barely has anything to do with canon Alucard
     created by Kohta Hirano. I've gone to great and deliberate lengths to
     portray him as a violent sexual predator with the maturity of a
     twelve year old.
     If you like that, please leave a kudos and a comment :)
     Also Happy Holidays!
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